Ya know, I have to admit that I complain a lot. I don't mean too, but even from the person that says I complain the most, I have a lot of issues to be upset about. My mom is sick, I just lost my job and now it feels like my boyfriend doesn't wanna talk to me at all.
I just feel so alone. And honestly I have no idea what to do about it.
Today was not a good day for me. I have been very unhappy the last couple days and I really feel like I have no one to talk to.
And honestly, as much as I could say that it's all over the obvious problems, like the issues with my mom that bothering me the most, but that would be a lie. Yes I'm scared about whats happening with her, how can I not be? I know that she's within that small percentile that has made it this far when so many others don't but her confusion upsets me and she's just not the mom I remember anymore. It's so hard to explain... And I know I could say I'm worried about my future with work and whatnot, that's definitely true. But I'm almost looking forward to not going to a job I hate every day. It feels like I'm just torturing myself this week by even bothering. And yes, this whole crazy thing with my boyfriend is driving me nuts. I get that I'm being overbearing and it's all very overwhelming for him because he has his own problems to deal with. But when I call to say goodnight and he says he just doesn't wanna talk to me, it hurts. And he just doesn't seem to get it... And I feel like I can't bring it up cuz it's pushing him away and making him uncomfortable.
But really it's not that... Not any of that. I realized earlier while I was sitting in my room crying after getting off the phone with him. Yes it was frustrating. Yes I wanted to see him and to hear him reassure me and tell me he loves me, but he didn't. But that wasn't the biggest thing on my mind.
I feel so alone, like I have no one, because I feel like I'm losing the one person I have had in my life for over 20 years. I feel like I've done so much to hurt him without meaning to that he just doesn't even wanna bother with me anymore. And it scares me. That's the thing that make me feel the most alone. I've always had him on the sidelines. Yes I've probably friend-zoned him one too many times, but it feels like every time I am single he isn't interested.
I don't wanna ask for anyone's help anymore. I'm sick of relying on people that aren't there for me. I've been so depressed in the last year and no one has even seemed to notice. Well maybe it's time for me to take a stand on my own and show the world that I can do this. That I am strong. And not only for myself but for Meika as well.
I feel like apologizing for complaining again, but I'm not going to. I have no need to apologize. I have done nothing wrong. And maybe that another thing that's bothering me. What have I done to deserve all of this?
God or whoever the hell is upstairs better have some pretty hefty retribution planned for when all this shit blows over... Argh.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Much Needed Update
I can't believe it has been a year and a half since I last updated my blog. And what a year and a half it has been!
I haven't been keeping up with my 101 in 1001 as much I would probably like to, or at least not watching it as much. Mostly, I've just been dealing with life and all the trials and tribulations that come with it. So here's a nice little update for anyone that does in fact read my blog.
First, I was engaged that last time I updated, but I'm not any more. Justin and I were together for just over two years but things just didn't work out, as they often do. We moved out together and lived in a couple of different basement suites in my home town and the next town over. Things were okay, but never fully great. The more I lived with him the more I realized that I just wasn't as in love with him as I thought. In fact I was probably more in love with the thought of being married than I was with him. Yes we had lots in common and we got along okay, but we would bicker and argue over the stupidest things and he just wouldn't help out at all. So in April of this year, we split up. I have since moved back in with my parents and he went on his own to a city about an hour away.
Another big change is that in February of last year we found out my Mum has brain cancer. It has been quite an adjustment for all of us, but so far we are all amazed at my Mum's strength and determination to beat this thing. She has had two surgeries and been through about three different rounds of chemo, radiation and has now started a new naturalistic method as well. We are very hopeful that she can beat this because so far she is in the only 33% of people that make it past the first year! But I have found that it has affected me a lot more than I let on. I have always been a very artistic person, and I like to think I still am, but since mum got sick, I find I am drawing a lot less and seem to be a lot more depressed lately. It's been very hard seeing someone you love so much change so drastically, but I try to keep a smile on my face for her.
I finished school in April of 2011, although I still need to get my English to be a fully credited Graphic Designer. I have recently emailed my old instructor about finishing up and found that if I take that last course in the Winter semester I will graduate in the Summer of 2013! Seems like a far way off right now, but I know it will come fast!
Recently I have started a job as a Graphic Designer for a company close to my home town that manufactures and sells camping gear, and honestly it's not what I expected. I find that I sit at my desk with nothing to do a lot of the time and the people here aren't very friendly. I have applied for a couple different jobs, but knowing that I need to support myself and my child all by myself now, I'm apprehensive to make another switch so soon. If I can find something that is better pay I would definitely give it a shot, but who knows. For now this pays the bills so I guess I can't complain too much.
On to more happy news, I have recently met someone! I know it seems like it is very soon after Justin and I split up, but sometimes you just have to roll with the punches and something just clicked.
We met at the end of April, very soon after Justin and I split up. I had gone onto plentyoffish.com again to just refresh my age and interests and such to maybe put myself back out there. I originally planned to take some time for myself then maybe look into trying out eharmony.com, but I had a message in my inbox! I hadn't been in pof in almost 2 years at this point so I was intrigued. It was the cutest message too, something about how much of a nerd am I, because my title for my profile was 'Dirty, Flirty, Nerdy'. We ended up messaging a couple times, then emailing, then texting! It all happened within a couple days before he asked me out for coffee.
Well by that point we were texting each other everyday, multiple times a day, so I was excited, he seemed like such a sweet guy, and he was a dad as well! *bonus!* But when the day finally came around, I was just feeling gross. I had had a horrible day at work, my hair was a mess, I was in sweatpants, and honestly I made a HORRIBLE first impression! I'm surprised he even wanted to talk to me after that. AND THEN Justin called right in the middle of our conversation! So I flat out told him I was just out of a relationship and that as nice as he was I didn't think I was ready for another one just yet.
We finished up coffee and went on our merry way, but that night, almost as soon as I got home, he called me. Now in this day and age, people don't call. They text or email. It was weird! I was a little taken a back but answered anyway. He basically flat out asked me, "what is this? what are you looking for?" And I was honest. I said that I did like him but maybe we could just be friends. Now he tells me he almost said he didn't need any more friends, but I guess he decided to give me a chance. The next day we were texting again and he invited me over to his place to watch a movie.
I was SO nervous! He was such a sweet guy and very cute, but I had never just gone over to a stranger's house on the second 'date'! But when I got there we started chatting, watched some Game of Thrones, blazed a little, and I ended up staying until 4am! We talked about anything and everything, he just made me feel so at ease!
So now we've been dating for about 4 months and have already said I love you. And honestly, as he has said to me, it feels like I'm in love with my best friend. We enjoy being around each other, even if we're just in the same room doing two different things, we don't feel pressured or held back from seeing our friends, and I have spent almost every weekend over at his place. He son is an absolute sweetie too and him and Meika get along great, so that's always a bonus! We've taken the kids out together a few times and done dinner a few times too. It's so cute too, cuz between the four of us, we always pick off each others plates during dinner and as my aunt said "You're like a premade family!"
Another very cool event recently is that I got to meet my idol from when I was a kid! Just this past weekend was the Anime Revolution Convention in Vancouver, BC and they had a special 20th anniversary Sailor Moon panel! I have loved that show since I was 12 years old and I was amazed to hear that they would have 6 of the voice actors from the show, including Sailor Moon herself!
So after many long hours waiting in lines, I was able to meet the voices of Tuxedo Mask, Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter, Artemis, Sailor Chibi Moon and Sailor Moon herself!! I even got a picture with her! I was almost in tears as I was telling her how much Sailor Moon changes my life as a kid, and how she really made it come to life for me. Here's our pic!! (sorry about the quality)
And here's the most prized possession to date! a signed poster, addressed to me from Terri Hawkes (Sailor Moon) and Sugar Lyn Beard (Sailor Chibi Moon)!!
Anyway, that's my life in a nutshell right now and all of the things I have been dealing with. I'm hoping that things will improve with my new relationship, mum doing so well and Meika going into Grade 3 in a week! So wish me luck and I'll just keep on smiling!
Cheers!
I haven't been keeping up with my 101 in 1001 as much I would probably like to, or at least not watching it as much. Mostly, I've just been dealing with life and all the trials and tribulations that come with it. So here's a nice little update for anyone that does in fact read my blog.
First, I was engaged that last time I updated, but I'm not any more. Justin and I were together for just over two years but things just didn't work out, as they often do. We moved out together and lived in a couple of different basement suites in my home town and the next town over. Things were okay, but never fully great. The more I lived with him the more I realized that I just wasn't as in love with him as I thought. In fact I was probably more in love with the thought of being married than I was with him. Yes we had lots in common and we got along okay, but we would bicker and argue over the stupidest things and he just wouldn't help out at all. So in April of this year, we split up. I have since moved back in with my parents and he went on his own to a city about an hour away.
Another big change is that in February of last year we found out my Mum has brain cancer. It has been quite an adjustment for all of us, but so far we are all amazed at my Mum's strength and determination to beat this thing. She has had two surgeries and been through about three different rounds of chemo, radiation and has now started a new naturalistic method as well. We are very hopeful that she can beat this because so far she is in the only 33% of people that make it past the first year! But I have found that it has affected me a lot more than I let on. I have always been a very artistic person, and I like to think I still am, but since mum got sick, I find I am drawing a lot less and seem to be a lot more depressed lately. It's been very hard seeing someone you love so much change so drastically, but I try to keep a smile on my face for her.
I finished school in April of 2011, although I still need to get my English to be a fully credited Graphic Designer. I have recently emailed my old instructor about finishing up and found that if I take that last course in the Winter semester I will graduate in the Summer of 2013! Seems like a far way off right now, but I know it will come fast!
Recently I have started a job as a Graphic Designer for a company close to my home town that manufactures and sells camping gear, and honestly it's not what I expected. I find that I sit at my desk with nothing to do a lot of the time and the people here aren't very friendly. I have applied for a couple different jobs, but knowing that I need to support myself and my child all by myself now, I'm apprehensive to make another switch so soon. If I can find something that is better pay I would definitely give it a shot, but who knows. For now this pays the bills so I guess I can't complain too much.
On to more happy news, I have recently met someone! I know it seems like it is very soon after Justin and I split up, but sometimes you just have to roll with the punches and something just clicked.
We met at the end of April, very soon after Justin and I split up. I had gone onto plentyoffish.com again to just refresh my age and interests and such to maybe put myself back out there. I originally planned to take some time for myself then maybe look into trying out eharmony.com, but I had a message in my inbox! I hadn't been in pof in almost 2 years at this point so I was intrigued. It was the cutest message too, something about how much of a nerd am I, because my title for my profile was 'Dirty, Flirty, Nerdy'. We ended up messaging a couple times, then emailing, then texting! It all happened within a couple days before he asked me out for coffee.
Well by that point we were texting each other everyday, multiple times a day, so I was excited, he seemed like such a sweet guy, and he was a dad as well! *bonus!* But when the day finally came around, I was just feeling gross. I had had a horrible day at work, my hair was a mess, I was in sweatpants, and honestly I made a HORRIBLE first impression! I'm surprised he even wanted to talk to me after that. AND THEN Justin called right in the middle of our conversation! So I flat out told him I was just out of a relationship and that as nice as he was I didn't think I was ready for another one just yet.
We finished up coffee and went on our merry way, but that night, almost as soon as I got home, he called me. Now in this day and age, people don't call. They text or email. It was weird! I was a little taken a back but answered anyway. He basically flat out asked me, "what is this? what are you looking for?" And I was honest. I said that I did like him but maybe we could just be friends. Now he tells me he almost said he didn't need any more friends, but I guess he decided to give me a chance. The next day we were texting again and he invited me over to his place to watch a movie.
I was SO nervous! He was such a sweet guy and very cute, but I had never just gone over to a stranger's house on the second 'date'! But when I got there we started chatting, watched some Game of Thrones, blazed a little, and I ended up staying until 4am! We talked about anything and everything, he just made me feel so at ease!
So now we've been dating for about 4 months and have already said I love you. And honestly, as he has said to me, it feels like I'm in love with my best friend. We enjoy being around each other, even if we're just in the same room doing two different things, we don't feel pressured or held back from seeing our friends, and I have spent almost every weekend over at his place. He son is an absolute sweetie too and him and Meika get along great, so that's always a bonus! We've taken the kids out together a few times and done dinner a few times too. It's so cute too, cuz between the four of us, we always pick off each others plates during dinner and as my aunt said "You're like a premade family!"
Another very cool event recently is that I got to meet my idol from when I was a kid! Just this past weekend was the Anime Revolution Convention in Vancouver, BC and they had a special 20th anniversary Sailor Moon panel! I have loved that show since I was 12 years old and I was amazed to hear that they would have 6 of the voice actors from the show, including Sailor Moon herself!
So after many long hours waiting in lines, I was able to meet the voices of Tuxedo Mask, Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter, Artemis, Sailor Chibi Moon and Sailor Moon herself!! I even got a picture with her! I was almost in tears as I was telling her how much Sailor Moon changes my life as a kid, and how she really made it come to life for me. Here's our pic!! (sorry about the quality)
Anyway, that's my life in a nutshell right now and all of the things I have been dealing with. I'm hoping that things will improve with my new relationship, mum doing so well and Meika going into Grade 3 in a week! So wish me luck and I'll just keep on smiling!
Cheers!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
New Year!
So another year has come and gone and here we are in 2011! That is so crazy! I'm 26 and will be graduating from my program this year! Meika will be 7 this year in the summer and going into Grade 2! and I got ENGAGED! lol...
We probably won't be having the wedding until 2012 sometime so I can concentrate on school and finish with a bang! So there might be a few changes along the way. My blog will probably change into a more school and profession based blog but I will still keep up with my 101 list.
Anyway, just a quick update so you kinda know! Enjoy!
We probably won't be having the wedding until 2012 sometime so I can concentrate on school and finish with a bang! So there might be a few changes along the way. My blog will probably change into a more school and profession based blog but I will still keep up with my 101 list.
Anyway, just a quick update so you kinda know! Enjoy!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Wow!!
Ok, so it's been a LONG time since I posted last, but with going back to school and whatnot, I haven't had much for spare time. So I guess now is better than never!! I have accomplished a few things on my 101 in 1001 list so bare with me!
Ok, so here goes!!
#34.. So this one is kinda started, but I am going to be learning how to use flash and making a flash website in one of the course I am taking this semester! So far we have been learning a program called After Effects, another movie/effects making program and the more I play around with it, the more I love it! I am very excited to get this one done!
#44... Clean out my room!! Ugh!! what a job! it took me 4 days but I completely gutted my room, took everything out, moved all the furniture, and then slowly started bringing stuff back in!! but it's clean! and so far, it's been staying that way! I'm so in love with my room now! I even got a big beautiful shelf from Ikea to hold all of my books and things!
#51. De-Clutter! now this kinda went hand in hand with the cleaning of my room so I'm going to put DONE for de-cluttering:) It feels so good to be done with all the little crap! lol
#60, Visit Forks and La Push, Washington! So at the beginning of September, Justin and I went on a little mini vacation done to the states to visit his mom and what not. Well turns out she doesn't live that far away from Forks, Port Angeles and La Push! So we did a big day trip one day to visit them and WOW! Forks isn't much to look at and it's very touristy since Twilight released, but Port Angeles is so nice! I would love to even live there, and La Push is GORGEOUS!! we are so going to go back and visit it again, I will post a couple of pictures, with even those don't do it justice!
#74... so this one, I think I'm going to be doing the same as the shooting stars in August. Before I left for our mini vacation, my friend tried to pierce my lip for me! She told me she had done it lots before but apparently not... it got all swollen and infected and I ended up taking it out as soon as we got home. So #74 is half done, I did have it pierced but I took it out and will be piercing it again!
#87.. Waxing... All I have to say to that it OW!! I got a brazilian the other day as kind of a birthday present for myself and OMG it hurt!! I can tell you I will not be doing that again anytime soon!
lol, so there you go, I will update my list and cross off what is needed! I'm getting through it! Hopefully I can update again soon!
Ok, so here goes!!
#34.. So this one is kinda started, but I am going to be learning how to use flash and making a flash website in one of the course I am taking this semester! So far we have been learning a program called After Effects, another movie/effects making program and the more I play around with it, the more I love it! I am very excited to get this one done!
#44... Clean out my room!! Ugh!! what a job! it took me 4 days but I completely gutted my room, took everything out, moved all the furniture, and then slowly started bringing stuff back in!! but it's clean! and so far, it's been staying that way! I'm so in love with my room now! I even got a big beautiful shelf from Ikea to hold all of my books and things!
#60, Visit Forks and La Push, Washington! So at the beginning of September, Justin and I went on a little mini vacation done to the states to visit his mom and what not. Well turns out she doesn't live that far away from Forks, Port Angeles and La Push! So we did a big day trip one day to visit them and WOW! Forks isn't much to look at and it's very touristy since Twilight released, but Port Angeles is so nice! I would love to even live there, and La Push is GORGEOUS!! we are so going to go back and visit it again, I will post a couple of pictures, with even those don't do it justice!
#74... so this one, I think I'm going to be doing the same as the shooting stars in August. Before I left for our mini vacation, my friend tried to pierce my lip for me! She told me she had done it lots before but apparently not... it got all swollen and infected and I ended up taking it out as soon as we got home. So #74 is half done, I did have it pierced but I took it out and will be piercing it again!
#87.. Waxing... All I have to say to that it OW!! I got a brazilian the other day as kind of a birthday present for myself and OMG it hurt!! I can tell you I will not be doing that again anytime soon!
lol, so there you go, I will update my list and cross off what is needed! I'm getting through it! Hopefully I can update again soon!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
101 in 1001 Update!
hi! so I know I haven't written in a bit, so I thought I would do a little bit of an update cuz I have actually completed a couple of my list items! so here you go...
#67 Took me an afternoon of about 3 hours! my car was such a sty!! a huge mountain of clothing, tons of garbage and a bag of some sort of rotten food... UGH! and I don't even know how it got that bad! So I've made a new rule about having no food allowed in my car! and I've realized in the last few days since I've cleaned that it's not me! lol... between Meika in the back and Justin in the front the car was horrible! but it's done! Now to just keep it that way!
#38 So I'm not officially done this yet, but I have been working very hard at it and have gotten 4 out of the 7 shots I need! I'm so excited to get the rest of it done! Here's a little sneak preview of Vanity!
So that's it for now! I will try and get on here to update more soon! I am going away in about a week and I get to do another thing on my list! and hopefully if I can get myself working on it I will get my room done too! Bai!
#67 Took me an afternoon of about 3 hours! my car was such a sty!! a huge mountain of clothing, tons of garbage and a bag of some sort of rotten food... UGH! and I don't even know how it got that bad! So I've made a new rule about having no food allowed in my car! and I've realized in the last few days since I've cleaned that it's not me! lol... between Meika in the back and Justin in the front the car was horrible! but it's done! Now to just keep it that way!
#38 So I'm not officially done this yet, but I have been working very hard at it and have gotten 4 out of the 7 shots I need! I'm so excited to get the rest of it done! Here's a little sneak preview of Vanity!
So that's it for now! I will try and get on here to update more soon! I am going away in about a week and I get to do another thing on my list! and hopefully if I can get myself working on it I will get my room done too! Bai!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
#72
ok, so apparently the meteor showers that happen every August, which I have recently learned are called the Persieds, happened on Thursday, August 12th. Now don't get me wrong, I know that you have to be up between like 2 am and 4 am in order to really see them well, so I was! BUT, I think I might have seen one... and that's it. It wasn't cloudy or anything! So therefore, I am keeping #72 as undone and will try to see them again next year... Cuz I feel very gyped that even tho I stood there for a while I got nothing! lol....
Saturday, August 7, 2010
my list...
So things have been a little slow on me working on my 101 in 1001, but I still have high hopes for getting alot done! I just wanted to update cuz I haven't in a while and I thought it was about time to joint something down, have another look at my list, and give myself a little motivation to keep moving on it!
One thing that I can note is that I have kind of, in a way, unoffically, started working on my book! lol. I have a ton of ideas for novels that I think would make good stories, but now I am just doing some practice writing and going over my ideas to see if they are really NOVEL worthy. I'm also reading The Complete Idiot's Guide to Writing a Novel! lol.... it's actually a really good book! Has lots of good pointers and really makes you think about things you wouldn't normally if you were just to sit down and start writing!
Another thing I guess that I have kind of been working on is loosing weight. I will hopefully be starting to go to the gym again soon and I will be cutting out pop and all fast food come monday! It's official! It's in writing now so now I can't go back on it for sure! lol... I think I really need to make an effort at it cuz I've been feeling rather 'blimp-ish' lately and honestly feel like I've been putting on weight, which is NOT a good feeling. And with school starting again soon I really need to be able to concentrate on my work, not my unhappiness with my body!!
Ok... So that's it for now! Nothing too exciting but it's an update, right?! Oh and actually one thing that I've kinda been having a good time with lately and kicking Justin's towel habit! lol... we've been talking about compromising and that's my biggest thing! LOL!! I hope he stops that :P
kthxbai!
<3<3<3
One thing that I can note is that I have kind of, in a way, unoffically, started working on my book! lol. I have a ton of ideas for novels that I think would make good stories, but now I am just doing some practice writing and going over my ideas to see if they are really NOVEL worthy. I'm also reading The Complete Idiot's Guide to Writing a Novel! lol.... it's actually a really good book! Has lots of good pointers and really makes you think about things you wouldn't normally if you were just to sit down and start writing!
Another thing I guess that I have kind of been working on is loosing weight. I will hopefully be starting to go to the gym again soon and I will be cutting out pop and all fast food come monday! It's official! It's in writing now so now I can't go back on it for sure! lol... I think I really need to make an effort at it cuz I've been feeling rather 'blimp-ish' lately and honestly feel like I've been putting on weight, which is NOT a good feeling. And with school starting again soon I really need to be able to concentrate on my work, not my unhappiness with my body!!
Ok... So that's it for now! Nothing too exciting but it's an update, right?! Oh and actually one thing that I've kinda been having a good time with lately and kicking Justin's towel habit! lol... we've been talking about compromising and that's my biggest thing! LOL!! I hope he stops that :P
kthxbai!
<3<3<3
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